December 2011
39 posts
An American Tail
So had my first mouse-in-the-house experience in NYC. Had a pretty good run there.
He ran behind the refrigerator, so we blocked off the kitchen doorway to keep him in.
We had vast plans of being humane and doing a catch-and-release thing. I said, “Where should we release him: The park, or in his natural habitat—the subway?” My roommate suggested we start hoarding them. But...
Average post
I’d post a photo of my various body parts (“Taken with Instagram” to make me better looking) to get nominal respect from faux friends and possibly comments that read, “I’m jealous of you” or “You’re haaaawwwwwt,” but I’m not a woman or a homosexual male.
Oh well. Guess I’m gonna have to continue making you laugh instead.
I saw an old man reading a book on a park bench. When he was done with a page, he would tear out the page, crumple it up and throw it in the trashcan next to the bench he was sitting on.
I asked the old man why he would do such a thing and he said, “Because, I’m not going to live long enough to ever read this again.”
Ironically, he was reading the Bible. I told him how none...
Light words
My girlfriend called a person a “dope” and she followed it up with, “And I don’t use that word lightly.”
Dope? Really? You don’t use the word “dope” lightly? That’s why words like “dope” exist—to be used lightly.
If she said, “He’s a nigger—and I don’t use that word lightly,” then I would...
Gawd damn!
I wonder if religious people get mad when girls spell “God” as “gawd.”
Because you’re apparently not allowed to say “God damn.” I know this because they always bleep out the “God” part of this on TV. I always wondered why they chose to bleep out the “God” part and not the “damn” part, because if they said, “Fuck...
Decisions
One of my friends just got married. He had already lived with the chick. They had a dog. Now married.
So now that the dust has settled on him being married, I said, “So now what’s your next move? Have a kid?” He said, “Guess so.”
Then I said, “Wow. Decisions, decisions. But you know what your next big decision after that will be, right?”
...
Here's something gross and pathetic →
Sweater Movie
I was just thinking that I can’t imagine ever having to learn English as a second language. I have such admiration and sympathy for the individuals who do, and do it successfully.
Two words caused me to feel this way: “movies” and “sweater.”
I would assume all English-speaking people who call motion pictures, “movies,” sound like 5 year olds in the...
My Beatles Medley
[Here’s a poem I wrote using only The Beatles’ song titles. Enjoy.]
Martha my dear,
Hello, little girl. Good morning, good morning.
No reply?
Please, Mr. Postman, slow down.
From me to you: I want to tell you—
Julia, her majesty, she’s leaving home.
Your mother should know.
She loves you. And I love her.
I’m down. Lonesome tears in my eyes come together—rain.
I...
