May 2012
29 posts
Re: My previous post
I assumed a “pantologist” was one who studies pants; but apparently, I was wrong.
Pantology is actually, “A systematic view of all branches of human knowledge; a work of universal information.”
Fuck it. Those people seem qualified to improve pants, too. Maybe even more so than the guys I pictured: in white lab coats, looking at Levi’s and Dockers under a microscope.
Pants are inefficient
Everything else has been tweaked to make things easier. But taking a shit is still difficult, because you have to pull your pants all the way down. You have to undo the belt, unzip or unbutton the fly, and then lower those things, which can be a nightmare for people in a wet-floored bathroom stall or for people who wear skinny jeans (I assume).
Just as there’s a way to take your dick out...
Naw way
I watched Mel Gibson’s “The Passion of the Christ” for the first time last night.
I purposely avoided watching this movie when it came out. A very religious friend of mine bought the DVD for me (so I’d see the light), and I asked them to return it. They didn’t. Instead it stayed on top my my TV in its original packaging, gathering dust for years. I believe I later...
Opening the door
I do this thing where if I’m hanging outside my building for whatever reason, and someone asks me to open the front door for them — I do it — but I always say, “I’ll open the door, but whatever you steal, I get 15%.”
Everyone always laughs. Just now, I was hanging outside, a guy walked up and asked me to open the door, and I said, “Sure, but whatever you...
The Top News Stories Since October
Blow to Apple: Steve Jobs
Obama’s economy: Blew it on jobs
Gay marriage: blow jobs
Scorn that way
Wait, so now Obama is pro-gay marriage? We’ve all heard that Obama basically came out of the pro-marriage closet.
But how did this just randomly happen? Did a gay-married couple push him out of the way of a car and save his life or something? How does he just randomly decide that he’s for gay marriage all of the sudden, when in the past he has said otherwise?
We can’t let him...
Pro-Gay Marriage Advocacy Group Hailed for...
[I submitted the below article as an audition to a The Onion-style fake news organization. Enjoy.]
Pro-Gay Marriage Advocacy Group Hailed for ‘Sticking It to the Man’
By Keating Thomas
Published: May 7, 2012
BURKESVILLE, KENT. — A Kentucky-based pro-gay marriage advocacy group made up entirely of heterosexual males who call themselves “The Homo sapiens,” received an award Tuesday from the Gay...
Anonymous asked: I just wanted to say I saw you perform live a few months ago, and enjoyed it. Started following you on the Internet, and what I like about you is not only are you funny, but you write well and you seem to have an artistic and poetic side that gleans through the humor and crystallizes. I promise I'm not a stalker; just a new fan. (And P.S., love your Instagram too)
A new republic
For a long time I’ve been a fan of Chris Hughes, one of the founders of Facebook. Unlike Mark Zuckerberg and Sean Parker, he’s not a douche bag. But also unlike those guys, he seems to actually care about the globe—not just globalization.
On top of Facebook, he also was integral in Barack Obama being elected president, and in 2012 he bought The New Republic magazine, which he...
The Impotence of Being Ernest
A text conversation with my sister just now:
Her: “‘The Impotence of Being Ernest’ is the best episode title name for sitcom ever.”
Me: “Which?”
Her: “‘Golden Girls.’ Sadly I just saw the episode name on DirecTV and knew which episode it was. It’s the one where Rose’s boyfriend Ernie can’t get it up.”
Me: “Who...
What letters spell crazy?
Newly released letters captured in the U.S. raid that killed Osama bin Laden a year ago show the al-Qaida leader thought certain comrades were making the terror network look bad in the eyes of the Islamic world.
For example, in one letter bin Laden complains about the guy who tried to set off a car bomb in Times Square. The May 2010 bombing failed. During his trial, the guy — a Pakistani...
EPISODE 15 - 4 Movies with Keating Thomas →
longandlatemovieshow:
This week Russell and Leighton are joined by the very funny stand-up comedian Keating Thomas to discuss the four new movies that came out this week; Safe, Pirates: Band of Misfits, The Raven, and The Five Year Engagement. In addition we discuss Russell’s spec script for his Hungry Hungry Hippos movie, and discuss the hottest men and women we saw in film during the first...
